Birthdays and Relationships

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I turned 32 yesterday, which personally isn’t much of a big affair (I usually like my birthdays to be far more casual and not a Big Deal). I think for me I’ve never desired the hullaballoo of grandiose celebrations. It’s not that I wouldn’t be appreciative of it; I guess it’s that I don’t need much. Since I was working throughout my entire birthday, I was able to enjoy the birthday messages I was sent through various mediums, but I also spent the time contemplating the relationships I have, I’ve had, and have been failing at.

Birthday Wishes Highlights

A snippet of my Facebook timeline and how many people sent birthday wishes — There were 18 people who sent a happy birthday message to me on Facebook yesterday. It may be a small amount, but it was a quality amount of people.

A message of thanks sent by my coworker — “Happy Birthday Don hope you have a great day I’m greatful to have you as a coworker your a aweomse FA who really taught me a lot when I was new on the line.” This meant a lot to me considering my upcoming promotion mid-this month.

Birthday message and first sticker of spam of stickers from boyfriend — My boyfriend sent me a message on Telegram, along with a spam of stickers as is amusingly usual from folks there.

An eCard of a snow scene with some birthday wishes written on it — An older couple who are friends with me for some longetivity sent me this card via e-mail. It’s sweet.

A sad message sent from my sister in the Philippines — I need to tell the story of my other family in another post, but the TLDR of it all is it’s been incredibly difficult to keep in touch with them, and this is the consequence of what I get. I need to be in better touch.

A Relationship Lost

TL;DR: Last week I had an unsavory conversation with my best friend. I personally thought that I was giving the relationship with them my all and that I’ve given all the time I could for them. They felt that I wasn’t giving enough and because of their need they needed more than I was giving. I understand that they felt hurt, but I reaffirmed that I couldn’t give more than I was giving. They were unconvinced. I told them that despite my care I don’t know how a relationship where they couldn’t trust I was giving my all and was requesting more could continue to work. They felt blindsided by the statement, apologized for hurting me, then sent a message a few days later that implied a blame-casting on me (or, rather, my depression) instead of the pain that I grieved. After talking with my EAP, priest, friends, and family, I made a difficult decision to stop the relationship.

I’m on a regimen of No Contact at this time. It sucks and it hurts because I know that they’re hurting and hurt people hurt people. I would’ve loved to get a message from them as we normally do in the 10+ years we were together. It just can’t happen right now though. I’ll still pray and care, but for me and my needs the relationship can’t continue. Things hurt, but time will heal. I hope.

The Future

I want to reassess my relationships and try to nurture ones that have fallen (like my relationship with my sister in the Philippines) and continue to enjoy the ones that are still there. I want to celebrate good things like this with the people who care, and to celebrate their successes as well in whatever way I can–whether it’s in person or through messages.

Thanks for the birthday wishes, everyone, and I hope to hang with all y’all soon in however way we can.